Support, belief, a talisman…what got me through the shit-storm

This is going to be long. If you’re inclined to read it all, take a potty break first, grab a drink, and make yourself comfortable first. Yep, I’m that wordy. Oh, and since I was initially writing this to post on survivinginfidelity.com, here’s a glossary of terms – SI is survivinginfidelity.com (not Sports Illustrated 😉 ). Anti-versary is the anniversary of a not-good event such as d-day (discovery day) or the date a WS/H/W (wayward spouse/husband/wife – in other words, the cheater) leaves. OW is the other woman. NC means going no contact. The 180 is…well, it’s a technique to where you change your behavior 180 degrees, and go from focusing on/catering to the other person and having them be the priority to making yourself the priority instead. There’s more to it than that, but that’s the bare-bones basics.

Now on with the actual post…

I know I was whining the other night about having to deal with a 2^nd anti-versary, but I’m actually just about 3 years out from my 1^st d-day. It’s just that from d-day #1 until the day now-ex walked out spanned almost a year, and then to add to things, it took almost another year for my divorce to be finalized. So my anti-versaries are spread all over the calendar and over several years of that calendar as well. 

Anyway, I whined. Now it’s time to focus on the positives, and what helped me make it through the shit-storm ex dumped on me almost 3 years ago. Not that I’m all the way through it, as noted by my whine the other night. But I’m 3 years down this path and into this journey, and that counts for a hell of a lot, at least imo. 

Brief back-story – caught now-ex physically cheating with one OW and sexting with another. The two OW knew about each other. A month after d-day#1, ex confessed to a prior affair. I thought we were trying to R, but ex took the affair way underground. Nine months after d-day#1 I found the secret cell phone. A month and a half after that, he walked out on me and the kids. Turned out he had a vacation planned with the OW, so he had to walk out on his kids with no good bye, no explanations, and no apology. Yeah, he really is a chicken-shit ass. 

Before I found the secret phone, one of the OW somehow got my credit card info, and committed identity fraud. She ordered a bunch of stuff online with my card and had it shipped to me. I filed a police report, and named both OW as possible suspects.  The probability that my then-WH supplied my credit card info to the OW did not go un-noted, btw. 

Oh, and when I found the secret phone, I also found out that not only was then-WH reading everything I was posting on SI, he had also told his whore about it, and she was cyber-stalking me. I’ll admit, once I knew about that, I had a little fun with it, mostly by posting misleading information. It may not have made any difference, nor had any impact, but it amused me. And that’s all that mattered to me.

Okay, so onto what got me through this shit-storm. 

I told my sister almost right away, within the first week of catching xWH. She’s my big sister. She’s got my back no matter what. Hilariously, at one point xWH actually thought she’d understand and take his side, because she knows how much of a bitch I can be. Yeah, like that was ever going to happen. XWH really is an idiot. 

I told some friends irl, about a month after d-day#1 but before d-day#2. I hadn’t intended to tell them, but we had a mom’s night out and I ended up just blurting it out. It was early days, and as it turned out, I didn’t have most of the truth anyway, but I ended up getting empathy and support from my friends that I hadn’t realized I needed.

I also found SI about a month after d-day#1. I still did almost everything wrong, including the 180. But I read, and read some more and kept reading, and finally what I was reading began to sink in. How else do you think I knew to go looking for a secret cell phone? All while I thought pretended to myself we were in R, the red flags had been waving, and when I was finally ready to see them, what I had learned on SI clicked in. The 180? I mastered it. Going NC? Got that down too.  

Not only had I learned about the lengths cheaters will go to continue cheating, but I learned what remorse truly looks like. I learned how to tell the difference between remorse, and guilt. I saw that anonymous people online were more concerned about my health and emotional well-being than the man who was my husband was. I saw that my reactions to then-WH’s actions were normal. I saw that then-WH’s actions were not unusual. In fact, what he was doing and how he was acting was pretty much straight out of the cheater’s handbook. It wasn’t just me. I wasn’t the crazy one. 

Once ex left, I told anyone who would listen. I also joined an irl divorce support group, because I was tired of dumping my shit on my friends. They were still willing to listen, and they continue to be supportive, but I needed the time with them to be about something else, at this point. 

One thing that was a bit unusual though, was that my self-esteem didn’t take the hit that many BS’s do, after d-day #1. It actually improved. I look back now, and see that I had taken that hit, before I found out about ex cheating on me. But it was as if finding out answered some question I hadn’t known I had, and something started making sense that hadn’t made sense before. It had a lot to do with me having taken on blame and responsibility for things in my marriage that suddenly I knew I wasn’t responsible for. I remember wailing to my then-WH that I didn’t understand why he didn’t like me as I am, that other people liked me, why couldn’t he? And that was it. Other people liked me and accepted me for who I was. I liked the me I was around these people. But then I’d go home, and become this other me, and I didn’t much like her. That me acted differently. I kept parts of herself tucked away, because I was afraid to let them out and be the real me around now-ex. I was afraid he wouldn’t accept me for who I really was. And I was right. But then again, he didn’t accept me for who he wanted me to be either. 

I realized I had been basing my acceptance of who I am on my then-WH’s opinion of me. Well hell, he was a liar and a cheater. His opinion lost all its validity in my eyes. I couldn’t trust anything he said, so why should I believe his opinion of me? I started looking at myself through my own eyes, for the first time in a very long time. I like myself, and I finally let it show to everyone, but especially to myself. 

Alrighty then, where were we? I think I pretty much covered support, and the belief part was about accepting myself and believing in who I was even though ex didn’t, or maybe especially so because he didn’t (yep, I’m kinda contrary that way too). 

So, on to the talisman part. I didn’t intend this to become a talisman when I bought it. But it did, and I’m incredibly glad something compelled me to buy it when I did.  Several months after d-day#1, I had to do my Christmas shopping. Long story short, I ended up buying myself a necklace that had a small charm on it. The charm says Dream on one side and Live Your Dreams on the other. When I got home from shopping, I put it away in a drawer. It wasn’t until months later, after ex left, and as I was heading back to college for the first time in 25 years, that I took the necklace out of the drawer, and wore it for the first time.  I found myself reaching up and touching the charm, a lot. And every time I touched it, I would remind myself that I was strong, I would get through this, and my dreams were worth pursuing. 

Do I believe my necklace has some magical powers? No, I don’t. But it is something that allows me to focus my thoughts and energy, and reminds me that my dreams aren’t foolish, and that I’m worthy of having those dreams come true. 

And now I also wear a bracelet that matches my necklace, because the man who is now my boyfriend heard the story of why I wear my Dream necklace. He found a bracelet that finishes the Live Your Dream quote, and gave it to me on our first weekend together. It is such an incredible feeling to know that someone cares about you enough to want you to follow your dreams, and succeed. 

I don’t know that I actually accomplished what I set out to write this morning. This was originally going to be a post for SI, to offer some encouragement to those who are much newer to their journey of dealing with infidelity. But I ended up even wordier than I expected, so it’s going to be just a blog entry now, instead of being posted both places. I guess I’ll come up with something else for SI. But I have accomplished something – peace of mind, maybe…a bit more clarity of thought…perhaps simply a release of some of the negativity I’ve allowed to take hold of me lately.

My horoscope today on dailyom.com talked about letting go of fear and focusing on the joy and blessings in my life. Not really much of a horoscope, but it is advice that makes sense. I know I’m still dealing with residual abandonment issues, but ya know what? It’s been 2 years since ex walked out on me, and I’m not only still standing, I’m standing taller than I was before he left. Why should I have fears about abandonment when it’s already happened, and I know I can, and will, survive?  

I didn’t sign up for this

Yet, this is where I am. While I could say that about most aspects of my life right about now, in particular I’m talking about being a single homeowner. Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad I got the house. My kids need the stability, and it’s a great asset to have, in the long run.

It’s the short term that’s not looking so pretty. The house is almost 20 years old, and there has not been a lot of maintenance done over the years. Of the projects that did get done, they were done with an eye on how cheaply they could get done. To be fair, some of that, particularly earlier on, was out of necessity. But for the last 5 years of my marriage, money should not have been an issue. As it turns out, it wasn’t. The issue was that ex had checked out of the marriage, and had begun cheating, and wasn’t invested in the house as “our home.”  So he had little, if any, desire to repair, replace or upgrade things around the house. Oh, we talked about it, and he made it sound like that’s what he wanted. But as he told me, he was really good at telling me things he thought I wanted to hear.

So, this all brings me to a ever-growing list of things that will need to be done, repaired, and replaced around the house. There are some pretty big items on the list, too. Like the a/c and the fencing. Yesterday I realized I needed to add a new stove to the list. Well, move it up much closer to the top of the list, actually. It’s been on my list for years. But as I was cooking the Thanksgiving meal yesterday, and moving the racks in the oven, I saw that there’s some corrosion occurring inside the oven, and small pieces of the side wall were coming off. That can’t be good. So replacing the oven has now become more important, if not urgent.

I was really hoping these types of expenditures could wait until I’ve found a job, and am more financially stable. But apparently appliances that are almost 20 years old don’t agree.