having a wordy day…

I’ve already vented elsewhere about my mom, or rather, my lack of patience in dealing with my elderly mother. It’s an all-around not good situation, let’s just say.

Then I was chatting with my boyfriend, and I’m not exactly sure what he said, but I do know he brought up the subject, and the next thing I know the words are just pouring out of me – about FOO, about anger, about dealing with anger, about how my anger affected the relationship/marriage with ex, and about whether I still stuff or actually deal with it now. Sigh. Poor boyfriend. He’d already had some bad news this morning. Then he got me going all deep and heavy in our conversation.

And then, I’m on survivinginfidelity.com this morning and there’s a thread that catches my eye, a betrayed spouse comparing herself to used musical instruments on ebay. Thoughts and words start swirling around in my head, and it’s obvious that what she wrote has evoked a reaction in me.  So far I’ve managed to not respond, because I know anything I wrote would be all over the place and not helpful.

But wow, do I know the feeling she’s describing. Like, you’re not worth the cost of the better, more expensive item, because the cheaper option will do, and is good enough for you. Like, you’re not enough of a priority to someone to be worth spending extra money on.

I felt that way for too much of my marriage. Not that I needed to have wasteful amounts of money spent on me, but it’s hard not to compare the quality/price of the things ex bought for himself vs the quality/price of the items we’d end up getting for me or the house. I wish now that I had noticed when it first started happening, and spoke up about it. Instead, it was one of the gradual things, and I’m sure I helped it along, simply because I don’t need to have wasteful amounts of money spent on me.

But just because I don’t need a $4000 bicycle or a $20,000+ motorcycle doesn’t mean that should have translated to don’t replace the oven that hasn’t worked right for 5 years or buy the cheapest replacement sink possible, because we’re not going to do what inconnu wants.

I had all these clues in front of me that I had lost value in now-ex’s eyes, and I didn’t see them. I guess maybe it was because I had been gaining value in my own eyes. Or maybe it was just because I didn’t think that I’d ever be that unimportant and undervalued to ex?

Two thoughts here – One, how’s that for ego? lol and two, boy did he prove me wrong. 😛

See why I’m not replying to that thread? I’m all over the place here, and still have a bunch of words swirling around in my brain.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s