it’s been 4 years since he left…

(something I posted over on a few days ago, with a few small changes.)

…and I was going to do one of those dwell in the past kind of posts. But I’ve been dealing with this shit since Sept. 2008, and frankly I got bored with writing about it all, yet again.

Yeah, I deleted and started over.

Turns out I’ve been back on one of those emotional dips in the roller coaster, but I didn’t realize why until Sunday evening. And once I figured that out, I could see how the dread of the anti-versary had started to really creep in without me noticing.

But then, I made it through today. No sadness, no freaking out, no issues. Just a little “4 years ago I was curled up in a ball and just look at me now! How far I have come.”

And as I was driving home from work today, I thought about how today is not the anti-versary I’ve been saying it is.

What today is really, is the 4th anniversary of my new beginning. The new beginning that 4 years today I had no idea I was beginning, that I couldn’t imagine, and that I didn’t want.

It’s been 4 years of finding myself again, of not being on the crazy train, of learning to be vulnerable and showing the authentic me. It’s been learning to trust again, and to love again. It’s been being the parent my kids respect (most of the time ) and love (always). It’s been about falling down, and then getting back up again, over and over and over. Sometimes it’s been about just surviving, but mostly it’s been about thriving.

Am I exactly where I want to be? No, not yet. But it’s okay. I’m a work in progress, and I’ve learned that change, even when it’s devastatingly painful, does not have to be a bad thing. So for each step along the way, I’ll make the changes I need to, in order to have the life I want to have.

All because I was given a new beginning, 4 years ago.


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