7 years ago…

One of the most stereotypical, clichéd things happened to me, and while it no longer hurts, I still can’t wrap my head around how someone can walk out on his family by going to work one day and never coming home again. And I’m glad it doesn’t make sense to me. I’d hate to be the kind of person who thought of that as a normal thing to do. Boggles the mind, really it does.

This was not the topic I’ve been thinking about writing about for the past few days. But I looked at that memories thing on facebook this morning, and saw what I posted 7 years ago (which was not specifically about ex leaving), and remembered the significance of today’s date.

It’s been 7 freaking years. No wonder it seems like a lifetime ago. It was. When I think of everything I’ve done, gone through, or dealt with since then, I’m kinda impressed with myself.

It hasn’t been easy, but I’m still here.

My mom died last Sunday. That’s what I’ve been thinking about writing about. But those thoughts have been jumbled up with other things, as I think about the last 5 years of my mom’s life, in particular, and the last 8 years of my life, in general.

I’ve been through some shit, haven’t I?

And now I’m processing the loss of my mom. One more thing to get through, but at least I wasn’t blindsided this time, like when my dad died. Mom’s death, while not exactly expected last weekend, didn’t come as a traumatic surprise. She had dementia, was declining, and was 79. Death was the inevitable conclusion, and I had made my peace with that.

What’s left now is the emotional bits and pieces I pushed aside because there hadn’t been time or energy, mostly energy, to deal with it all. Some I’ll have to take apart, look inside, and put back together in a way that works for me. All the rest, I think I’m going to let it drift away.


it’s always a test…

and he always fails. Even when he doesn’t know, or it’s unfair, or he really is doing the right thing. He still fails.

How incredibly sad that is what my kids’ relationships with their dad is all about. They test him, and he fails. They are young adults now, and all they (still) want is to know their dad will put them first. And he doesn’t. So he fails.

My kids are hurting, and I can’t help them. All I can do is clean up. Again.





Monday music

heard this on the radio last week, and gotta say it brought to mind different images for me than what the video has. for me, I saw me surviving the hurricane, putting my life back together, and finding out it just gets better.

if you watch the video, you’ll see how it’s completely opposite of what happened to me. but still, a positive message…

and now it’s 2015…

I was more than a little surprised, when I logged in, to realize the last time I blogged was in March of 2014. I knew it had been a long time, but I thought I was active through at least May or June.

Sigh. 2014 went by so quickly.

Mostly, life has been good. Really, really good. The parts that have sucked though, have really, really sucked.

Still doing damage control with my kids. It’s astonishing to see first-hand how long the fallout from their lives being blown apart lasts. But, they both trust me enough to know that I’ll be the parent that helps them figure things out and fix things. So that’s what I do. Even when it feels like I’m still cleaning up the asshole’s messes.

Then there’s my mother. Let me just say, dementia fuckin’ sucks. I’m really not sure how many more conversations with my mom I can have about my long dead grandparents where mom doesn’t remember my grandparents are dead. It’s heartbreaking, to say the least.

And I’m pretty sure I’ve never mentioned my brother before. Yeah, he up and moved to Hawaii last month because, as he put it, “how can I pass up on an opportunity to move to Hawaii?”  How about, because you’re 45 years old and supposed to be an adult?  Because you have an elderly mother with dementia living in another state that will most likely die before you can ever afford to come visit her again? Because at some point in your life you’re supposed to fucking grow up and be responsible, not run away from whatever issues you have?

More sighs. I know, I sound like the terrible older sister. But yeah, I think my brother is an immature ass.

Okay, but enough of being a downer. 2014 turned out to be a pretty good year, after all.

My long-distance relationship is long-distance no more. My boyfriend moved to my town this year, and moved in with me and my kids. The job I started in October 2013 – I got a pretty substantial raise when my yearly review came. My year-end profit sharing bonus was way more than I expected, too. The financial doom & gloom I’ve been in since before my divorce was final seems like it’s finally coming to an end. There’s real light shining at the end of the tunnel.

Each year since my divorce has been better than the year before, and life just keeps getting better. 5-6 years ago I couldn’t have imagined life being this good. And yet, it is. I truly am a lucky, lucky woman.


where has this month gone?..

I didn’t think I was busy, but apparently I was. Because it’s closer to the end of March than the beginning, and I haven’t posted since the 1st.  I’ve had more than a handful of topics come to mind that I wanted to write about, and yet the words never found their way here.

Wish I could say it’s all because of the fabulously exciting life I’m having. Unfortunately, it’s really because of this pesky little thing called work that takes up much of my time. Andwork is one place that I do try to keep this persona separate from real life, so no logging in to do a blog post while I’m there.

I did have a fabulous time last weekend getting together with a huge group of friends. It’s so much fun catching up with old friends I haven’t seen in months, meeting new friends that I’ve only previously known online, and just being able to soak up all the positivity this bunch exudes. It’s odd, because I am an introvert, and large crowds typically drain me. But there’s something about an SI get-together that fills my tank. I’m not even sure which tank it is, maybe it’s my soul. Doesn’t much matter, though, as long as it happens.

This weekend has been more about indulging myself at home. As part of my month-long birthday celebration, I ordered (for myself) a mini-cheesecake tart pan. It was delivered on Friday. So of course today I just had to make brownie/cheesecake bites.

I have to say the pan worked out great. The only issue I have with it is it only makes 12 mini cheesecakes at a time. The recipe I used made double that. I’m pretty sure I’ll be ordering another pan soon. Happy birthday to me! lol

Oh, and I made it through what would have been my wedding anniversary a couple of weeks ago. Can’t say I didn’t think about it, because obviously I did. I didn’t dwell on it, but it did pop into my head for a few minutes that day. Mostly, it’s just odd. It feels weird to have this date that once used to mean so much to me, that I found out in an incredibly painful way that it didn’t mean much to now-ex, and now is just another ordinary day in the year.

Maybe one year I’ll make it through the day without realizing what day it used to be…

it’s happy birthday to me month!…

A half a century….at the end of March I’ll have been alive a half a century.

God, I remember (vaguely) when that seemed like so old. And now, not so much. lol  I’m not sure exactly when it happened, but at some point I decided to embrace the hell out of turning 50.

so I’m celebrating the whole damn month. 😀

starting with:

then in the middle of the month I’ll be getting together with my wonderful boyfriend and a houseful of friends for a fabulous party. it’s not really about me, but I plan on using the occasion to celebrate some anyway. because hey, why not share the joy with people who have been there for me for the past 5 years? So, there will be cheesecake. with raspberry sauce. and chocolate. and maybe even a candle or 50 to blow out. and friends, and love. and hell, there may even be some dancing on the bar. we’ll see. lol

and then for my actual birthday, I’m taking some vacation days from work so I’ll have a long weekend with the aforementioned wonderful boyfriend. I think there may be a little champagne to drink and dancing to be done. and birthday cake to eat. possibly even some more cheesecake. depends on who makes my cake this year. but there will be a homemade cake. my kids make sure of that now. 🙂

oh yeah, this month is gonna be fun…


music Monday

There’s two for today, but let me just warn you now, especially if you’re finding me from survivinginfidelity.com. The 1st song is very likely going to trigger you. It is heartbreaking. In fact, I posted over on SI, in response to someone else posting about this song, that if it had come out 4-5 years ago, it would have made me curl up into a ball and sob.

But, it’s so dead on. I remember the days where all I could think was “just say something. say anything.” And I got…nothing. So I gave up. I gave up on believing that my then-husband was the man I thought he was. I gave up believing my marriage could be repaired. I gave up believing that the husband I loved, loved me back.

And then, the most amazing thing happened. I started to heal, and put my life back together. I met someone new, and discovered what it’s like to be truly loved, for all of me. And yeah, he thinks that even when I’m crying, I’m beautiful, too.