is October over yet?…

Geez, has this month been stressful! I’ve been in not one, but two car wrecks, neither of which was my fault. At least for the 2nd one, I was still driving the rental from the 1st wreck, and my car didn’t get crunched again. The poor rental did though. And it happened on a weekend so I had to jump through all sorts of hoops to get a replacement rental on a Sunday, because I was starting my new job on Monday.

Yeah, because starting a new job wasn’t stressful enough as is.

On the bright side, I wasn’t hurt in either wreck, and my son who was with me in the rental wreck is fine, too. That’s what’s really important. And I now have my car back. And I survived the first week at the new job.

Still not really sure if it’s the job for me in the long run, but it’s a good next step up. Well, it’ll look good on my resume lol. The salary is considerably better, and the job should be less stressful because there’s not a lot of real responsibilities. The people? eh, still trying to figure out who’s who, never mind what everyone’s quirks are. And still trying to figure out how safe it is to be me there. Not that I’m not being me, but there’s parts of me I don’t share with just anyone. Not unless I’m writing quasi-anonymously on the internet, that is. lol

So, here is me sharing that I really, really want this month to be over. I really, really want to spend time with my boyfriend. I really, really want to never be in another car accident, ever. And I really, really want this new job to turn out better than I expect it to, because I’m tired of doing the job search thing every year. I’m tired of being undervalued and underappreciated in the workplace because I don’t have a lot of recent experience on my resume. Hello, what I’ve done during the time I wasn’t collecting a paycheck counts, and counts a lot. I know the descriptions don’t translate well into an office setting, but the skills will. And do. I am the type of employee bosses should really want to have. I am that awesome.

And modest, too. Let’s not forget that. 😛

ch, ch, ch, changes…

I’m starting a new job in another week or so. I’m not 100% sure it’s the right job for me, but the paycheck will be a lot nicer than the one I’m currently getting. And I need a nicer paycheck.

So, here I go, through yet another change.

I’m tired of change.

I know, I know. Life is full of change. And in the long run, this change is a very positive step in the right direction. But I’ve been through an awful lot of changes in the past 5 years. Some of them devastating, some of them fabulously joyful. And all of them stressful in their own way.

And, I’m tired.

I’ll get over it.

 

work sucks, like that’s news to anybody…

but yeah, when I disappear for a little bit, it’s most likely due to work draining the ever-loving life out of me. Hopefully I will be resolving that issue soon, but for now, sometimes I just need to hibernate when I get home, to recover from the toxicity at work.

I spent most of the Independence Day and this weekend catching up on sleep, and doing stuff around the house. Nothing big, just tackling little stuff here and there. Putting some order back into my life.

Well, I did start on one big thing, and that’s working on my budget. Woohoo, how fun. Anyway, that led to me realizing it’s time for the next 5 year plan, as I’ve done most of what was on the last one already. That’ll be a blog post of its own, though. 🙂

spent a lot of yesterday hoping…

that I’d get fired.

This has been one of the hardest things about going back to work after 20 years. I’m in what’s considered entry-level positions, so I’m not supposed to be smart enough to make decisions or have opinions for myself.At least, that’s what my boss seems to think.

I’m having a really hard time dealing with being treated like I’m a subservient moron without a brain in her head. Especially by a man who easily has about 30 less IQ points than me. And it’s not that I’m smarter than him that’s the problem. It’s that he doesn’t realize I’m smarter than him. It’s that he has no concept of what talents his employees have. So he treats us as if he’s the smart one, and we’re all dumb.

I don’t even think he sees us as real people.

happy June 1st…

I’ve been, well, wallowing for quite a while now. It wasn’t the curl up in bed type of wallowing, but it was the life is so fucking unfair kind. It made me pretty much drift through life for a while, with only momentary leaps into being happy. I’m sure it’s no coincidence that those leaps mostly happened when I got to spend time with my boyfriend. I’m not going to give him the responsibility of making me happy, but…I’m a lot happier when I’m with him. He’s one of the few people who helps me recharge, instead of sucking the life out of me.

Yeah, I’ve got that whole introverted person thing going for me, too. Being around too many people for too long drains me. Being around too many stressful people drains me even more. My job – it’s the Hoover of suckitude, btw. Not so much the job, but the environment. It’s not a happy place, and it’s full of unhappy people. There’s only so much of that I can take before I start telling people to STFU, and I’m afraid I’m really close to that point.

I have at least 5 posts in drafts, that I started then X’d off the page before I hit publish. All of them are relatively recent, since the beginning of this year, and all of them are about something that was stressing me out big-time.

I really, really hate to sound like I’m whining. And yet, I do whine, frequently. So it means I didn’t post what I wrote/whined about. Even though the subjects were different, it really came back to the same thing. Life is stressing the hell out of me, and I’ve been paralyzed by the stress. And probably more than a little depressed, in the clinical sense.

It’s been going on for months. Since last fall, actually. And now I’m finally getting around to starting to pull myself out of it.

ack…posting interruptus… I didn’t intend for this to be a draft, but the call of family came sooner than I expected yesterday. so I didn’t get this finished, or posted, but I did get to spend some quality time with my sibs. 🙂

and yep, almost 5 years down the line, it still feels good to hear my baby brother offer to beat the shit out of the ex. I won’t let him do it, but I love that he keeps offering.

it’s now June 2nd, and it’s been a rainy Sunday morning in which I’ve lounged around drinking caffeinated beverages. As part of my pulling myself out of my depressive funk, it’s now time to kick-start my ass, and coerce baby brother into some home improvement projects. Home Depot here we come…lol

I’m…out of sorts…

kinda cranky, kinda blah and unmotivated, and feeling like I’m some sort of fraud or pretender. Because I’m not as strong, all the time, as I might seem. And yet, what other option do I have besides to be strong? The alternative is even less appealing.

Today, the list of what I still need to do is feeling overwhelming. I had had serious hopes that by the time my youngest was 18, I would have been well on the road to financial recovery from the divorce. Yeah, that so didn’t happen.

And before anyone says anything, yes, I am aware I have accomplished a lot in the past several years. But I’m still not where I wanted to be, and deservedly so or not, I’m still disappointed in myself. And I’m really wondering where in the hell am I going to find the strength within me to do what I need to do to get where I want to be. Especially since I just want to pull the covers over my head and disappear for a while.

Except, I don’t have time for that. There’s too much on my to-do list for that.  So I’ll whine here instead.

…always…and never…

a couple of words I’m trying to remove from my vocabulary…

unfortunately, I can’t seem to get people around me to do the same. but I suppose I am getting almost daily reminders on why I’ve stopped using those words so much.

I used to use them without thinking – someone always did that, or never did this, blah, blah, blah. I’m sure I those words came out of my mouth much more often than I realized during my marriage. not that there wasn’t some basis in fact for some of my statements, but using always and never wasn’t being truthful. I should have used “most of the time” and “not often” instead.

because really, “always” and “never” are often used to shift the blame to another person, instead of accepting some responsibility yourself. because if someone “always” does a certain behavior towards you, and you allow it even though it crosses a boundary, aren’t you “always” reacting the same way?

oh, and I suppose the disclaimer can go here – this post is brought to you courtesy of me changing positions at work, and being in closer proximity to the office drama llama. you know, the one I never help but who always helps me…<rme>

it’s funny, though, how working through the implosion of my marriage and previous life has equipped me very well to deal with the passive-aggressive toxicity of this co-worker. maybe it makes me a not-very-nice person, but I use other’s bad behavior as an example of how not to be. I even used to point out to my kids those other kids throwing those obnoxious tantrums in Walmart, and tell my kids that that kind of behavior in public was unacceptable. hey, it worked. my kids used to get complimented on their behavior in public, a lot.

so anyway…yep, I use co-worker’s behavior as a measure of how not to act. I also try to be compassionate, although at times it’s very hard, because someone who exudes that much toxicity cannot be a very happy person.

and, since I prefer to not have toxic people in my life, yep, I’m still working on the new job search….

 

 

re-entry after vacation

it really sucks. had a wonderful time being with my boyfriend for 9 consecutive days, then I had to return to regular life. work..a bad commute..housework..laundry…blech!

I want another vacation! :p

the care and feeding of…

…me

in this case, taking care of me means stepping back, way back, from replying to a thread on SI. I’m not linking to the thread itself, just survivinginfidelity.com, btw. but it’s a thread about a book, with a similar title to what I’m calling this post. I’m sure you can find it if you’re so inclined.

the thread’s making me want to smack the poster, with a real 2×4. he’s already been smacked numerous times with virtual 2×4’s, by people who are making the same point as I would, so I’m backing away for my own sanity. but I’m amazed that this guy is not getting how insulting this book and its author are to very many women, and that despite what other women are saying to him, he still seems to think it’s a good idea to have his wayward wife read it. because yeah, she’s already exhibited the same ideals the author of the books touts. (insert eye roll here)

yeah, maybe my mood isn’t the best right now. it’s been a long week, one that’s been all over the place. so the care and feeding of me has included a nice conversation with my boyfriend on my drive home from work, ice cream, a good book, and a glass of wine. oh, and there was some real food thrown in there somewhere too. Add a good night sleep to the list and tomorrow should be a much better day.

 

 

still feels like rejection…

trying really hard not to take this personally, because in my head I know it’s not…but I had someone who was trying to get me an interview and she told me that if I didn’t hear from her by Monday or Tuesday at the latest then it meant she wasn’t able to make it happen.

I didn’t hear from her.

It’s not personal. I know that..

yet somehow it still feels like rejection…